Cloud 2.0

Cloud 2.0: Sieve or Sponge?

2009-12-21T12:39:00.000-08:00

David Tow, noted resident of the penal colony currently described on maps as 'Australia', suggests that Cloud 2.0 is "strategically porous".

If I understand his road-train of thought, he suggests this is an improvement over Cloud 1.0, which is simply a "metaphor". However, the more anthropomorphic Cloud 2.0 is also capable of the following verbs: blend, split, fragment, share, leverage, and discover.

Most incredibly, Mr. Tow (presumably unrelated to Tow-Mater) gives no credit to this Cloud 2.0 blog for sparking the second generation of Cloud Computing.

2009-08-03T08:15:00.000-07:00

Since HP and RIM announced Cloud (1.0) Print a year ago, I've been anxiously looking forward to using my Blackberry to spew hardcopy to anyone's printer.
Obviously the fun will be in using other people's printer without their permission. But that's OK, since Cloud 1.0 all about...uh, using more printer ink, I guess.

Why the Cloud Rewards Tires and Pee

2009-07-23T19:16:00.000-07:00

According to urban legend -- two rungs up on the trustworthiness scale over the Internet -- a music critic musing Elvis Presley's death pronounced it "a good career move."

I respect people with that kind of foresight. While the rest of us are tip-toeing toward the second step of grief, they've already graduated and have signed a contract to publish a Dummies handbook for the rest of us.

For example, when eBay went big, everyone rushed to empty their attics of 20-year-old baseball cards in the hope they'd strike it rich. Those with true foresight instead invested in Goodyear. Why? eBay caused a billion people to parcel post fifty billion 5-pound packages. Mail trucks careened down any strip of asphalt more than 4 feet wide to deliver those goodies. And all those trucks used lots and lots of tires. Goodyear tires. ebay sellers got $1. ebay buyers got baseball cards. Goodyear got a 150% boost to revenue.

So who wins with the Cloud 1.0? That's simple. Baxter Medical.

Who, you might ask? The Cloud 1.0 relevant product they make is the sterile specimen cup. Y'know, when the nurse hands you the plastic jar and sends you to the bathroom for "the sample".

Why will Cloud 1.0 cause the need for pee containers to skyrocket?

Cloud 1.0 rhetoric convinces CEOs that they don't have the right skillset on their staff. They tell HR to find Cloud-qualified people. Those job seekers interview in droves, and are sent off to the doc-in-a-box for pre-employment drug screening. That way the CEO knows their crazy ideas about computing come from imagination, not mushrooms. So a million nurses call up Baxter asking for more specimen cups.

Those in the know about Cloud 1.0 know it's all about the pee.

Gartner: Wait, did we say 7 years?

2009-07-18T16:10:00.000-07:00

Gartner's gone Private.

Well, when it comes to Cloud 1.0 computing, that is. But not all Gartner-ites have read the memo.

Gartner defines Cloud 1.0 as "a style of computing in which scalable and elastic IT-enabled capabilities are delivered as a service to external customers using Internet technologies."

And if you don't like that definition...well, get over it, they say.

Since Gartner's competitors in the IT think-tank market are now turing to 15-year-olds for insight, I'm comfortable with Gartner's definition.

Actually, this is just their most recent defintion. Last year, Gartner defined it slightly differently. Back then, Clouds had to be "massive". Not anymore, they say. (I suspect that's because Gartner staffers couldn't couldn't get management to sign off on iPhones as Cloud research expenses if only "massive" things were included.)

They also dropped the need for a Cloud to service multiple customers. Just one is fine now.

No longer massive...Servicing just one customer...Hmm, all Gartner really did was shift their focus away from public clouds to private clouds. After all, "Private" is the new Cloud 1.0 buzzword.

Of course, there are detractors. Thomas Bittman, the same guy who invites you to "get over it" if you don't like Gartner's definition, admits that he doesn't like it too well either. He says private Clouds are just a placeholder , presumably until Apple releases iClouds.

Anyhoo, it looks like Gartner did send everyone the wrong Outlook reminder about buying Clouds. In February, Gartner predicted that the Cloud would be ready for mainstream adoption in precisely 7 years. Four months later, their June report said mainstream adoption would commence...immediately.

Want Cloud 1.0? Gartner says grab your checkbook, it's time to buy. Unless you're paying with PayPal, in which case you might have to wait 7 years.

Uptime Up There

2009-07-14T19:07:00.000-07:00

Microsoft opened a window today to let Cloud 1.0 seep in a little.

How much does a Microsoft Cloud cost? Renting computer time from Redmond will set you back about 12 cents an hour. Twelve cents an hour, times 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, for one year will set you back...exactly the price of a Windows Vista license. (Coincidence? No, as I've talked about before, coincidences don't happen with Cloud 1.0 technologies. )

That's not the big news, though. Microsoft took the opportunity to reveal their planned Service Level Agreements while at their Partner Confab in New Orleans -- a city well known for its fault-tolerance.

What uptime promise will Microsoft give you? Well, as long as you load your apps in more than one place -- none of them being Poland -- they promise that 99% of the time, both places won't simultaneously lose their Internet connections.

Wait, did you want a promise about application uptime? Well, as Steve Balmer said, "I find your lack of faith disturbing." Or was that Darth Vader? I can't remember. Maybe I need to go bing that.

Shocking

2009-06-13T20:33:00.001-07:00

Mother Earth has signaled her displeasure with Cloud 1.0.

Data Transfers, ala Cloud 1.0

2009-05-28T19:33:00.000-07:00

The bits just keep coming.

As humanity embraces the digital era, we keep having to consult Wikipedia to find out the next Greek prefix needed for the word that describes the bazillions of bytes of data we're saving every day.

How does Cloud 1.0 handle this glut of information?

Amazon's S3 service admits that expensive to upload lots of data to Cloud 1.0, even at 3 cents a gigabyte. But they've identified a better solution: Pay the post office instead of Amazon. No need to upload your data now -- just burn it onto a DVD, attach a first-class stamp, and your friendly mailman assumes the role of a T3 line.

Snail mail for data transfer? That sounds like Cloud 1.0 thinking.

Cloud 1.0 and Twitter: Amoral and Growing

2009-05-27T19:28:00.000-07:00

Since you're reading this blog instead of tweeting Ashton or Ellen, you probably didn't catch the Wall Street Journal dig on the zeitgeist of Cloud 1.0: Twitter.

Here's the 140-character summary: Twitter says its revenue stream depends on people giving them money. Nobody's doing that. So maybe they'll add an ebay-style "Buy It Now" button on the twitter homepage.

Steve Rubel says Twitter ought to hang in there, because social search will supplant Google as the Internet's cash cow, possibly by next week. For example, Google can take days to index the bowel movements of every stranger's dog. Twitter can do it 10 seconds.

So is there an appeal to social search beyond dog droppings?

Well, it gives you the ability to tap into the private interaction between two or more people you don't know. Hmmm...Sounds like porn to me.

Microsoft Responds; Attacks Cloud 2.0

2009-05-25T20:03:00.000-07:00

Microsoft has responded to Cloud 2.0 advocates with a sharp attack, spending lavish amounts of secretive funding to sponsor the Cloud [1.0] Computing Futures group.

Key researchers Sreenivas Addagatla (pictured here, on the left) and Da v e Harper (right), plus a gaggle of other extraordinarily happy looking people, are tasked to "...eliminate ...simplicity and flexibility...and enable...legacy...services."

One of their first forays to maintain the stagnant Cloud 1.0 infrastructure was a conference, Microsoft Research Techfest 2009. Key take-aways from this confab, according to Microsoft's official summary:

The exact number of projects that were demonstrated at TechFest 2009 is not clear
TechFest [should not] be confused with the yearly TechFest event that occurs in India
[Research shown] may never end up becoming anything significant.

Here at the Cloud 2.0 blog, we're not afraid to call out the shortcomings of Cloud 1.0. Bring it on, Microsoft!

Discuss Cloud 2.0, Win an iPod

2009-05-22T20:01:00.000-07:00

The girlfriend of Tarry Singh needs feedback about Cloud Computing. Complete the survey, and in the "Other Comments" box, let her know you're a supporter of Cloud 2.0.

The aforementioned Mr. Singh says on his Avastu Blog that you could win an iPod .

Remember: Accurate research data can only come from anonymous people who fill out web surveys in order to win trinkets. Do your part!

Cloud 1.0 Content

2009-05-22T13:21:00.000-07:00

So what exactly is in being run on Cloud 1.0 ?

Altavista seems to be down right now, so I used Google to find out. A search on "Cloud Computing" yields 34 million results. Searching "Cloud Computing Blog" comes back with 28 million results.

That means 82% of the current Cloud consists of blogs about the Cloud. Cloud 1.0 spends more time talking about itself than all the women on The View combined.

Cloud 1.0 Pricing

2009-05-20T19:09:00.000-07:00

Amazon charges about US$1.00 per hour for an instance on EC2. Let's say you had a large, scalable application, and rented time on EC2 to run your large number of servers. Let's pick an even number of server instances...say, one million.

If you ran that application 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, your EC2 bill would be about $8 billion dollars.

Can you think of any scalable application would be worth spending $8 billion every year to operate?

Well, Google says they fork out about $8 billion a year in operating expenses to power their searchy goodness. (At least, that's the dollar figure that Yahoo gives. I believe Yahoo is some kind of search engine.)

Coincidence? Not on your life. With Cloud 1.0 technologies, there are no coincidences -- just conspiracies. What other sinister things are happening on Cloud 1.0? Stay tuned here to find out.

2009-05-19T18:28:00.000-07:00

Geoff says IBM has produced a Cloud in a Box.

(Before we peer into that box, let's award Geoff kudos for capturing the spirit of Cloud 1.0 in his blog. Check out that nasty lightning storm. Now that is accurate Cloud 1.0 imagery!)

Back to IBM's WebSphere CloudBurst Appliance. The first "cloud in a box" that --

"Wait, not so fast," says RightScale. We're Cloud Ready, so just stick our management software on top of the ol' Jaunty Jackalope, and you've got a Cloud in a Box. (Well, one more bit of sauce: Eucalyptus, proud creators of a product that is simultaneously "Open" and "Private".)

Hold on there, RIghtScale... Intalio has a cloud in a box, too! They've even got a picture of it. Intalio's cloud includes not just 22 racks of hardware, but also a hot chick. (At least she could be hot -- everyone looks hot when they're only 20 pixels by 20 pixels.)

HP can't give you a cloud in a box, but they can give you cloud infrastructure in a box. Y'know, infrastructure...so you can hold up your cloud.

It looks like everyone involved in Cloud 1.0 is anxious to cram their cloudy goodness into a box. Hopefully it's a biodegradable box
.

VMWare's Sinister Plans for Cloud 1.0

2009-05-18T19:26:00.000-07:00

As if technical problems with Cloud 1.0 weren't bad enough, you also have to watch out for intentional evil. An accidental slip by VMWare reveals their nefarious scheme for exploiting Cloud 1.0. The virtualization company innocently steers you to their OS...but take a close look at the graphic accompanying their Cloud Opera ting System.

WTF is that fourth cloud?? And what's it going to do to you? If I were you, I'd be afraid of Cloud 1.0.

Cisco Shrugs on Cloud 1.0 Security

2009-05-17T17:13:00.000-07:00

Can you trust Cloud 1.0?

According to Bob Gleichauf of Cisco, "If a user doesn't even have a password, then he or she is not getting access...I should emphasize that this is not an official Cisco concept."

Bob added that people with iPhones, and people with positive ebay ratings don't need passwords to access Cloud 1.0 networks.

Cloud 2.0 doesn't need passwords to solve security issues. Cloud 2.0 relies on Chuck Norris.

Certification Available

2008-08-08T09:08:00.000-07:00

In response to overwhelming demand, this site is now offering official Cloud 2.0 Practitioner certification. The cost is $999.99.

Cloud Based Computing

2008-07-22T20:43:00.000-07:00

CherryPal has announced the
CherryPal C100, a device which enables users to access and store up to 50GB of porn using only 2 watts of energy! For more information on the CherryPal Cloud, access the company Wiki, which runs on the Open Source "Coming Soon" platform.

Cloud: Your Computer is Accessible Anywhere

2008-07-21T22:00:00.000-07:00

In this video, martial arts expert Jet Li explains how Cloud Computing 2.0, Linux, and power blinking are cool or something.

Cloud 1.0: Bad for the Enviornment

2008-07-18T07:31:00.001-07:00

If you monitor the status of Amazon's "1.0" Cloud (Find it here: www.cloudstatus.com ) you will occasionally see a status bar turn red. Amazon applies the "Radiation Hazard" icon, to these sections of time, reminding us that Cloud 1.0 Computing often spews dangerous radiation into our atsmosphere.

San Francisco Implements Cloud 2.0

2008-07-15T07:07:00.000-07:00

Terry Childs, a former San Francisco city computer engineer, demonstrates the advantages of Cloud 2.0 computing, enabling you to work from the office, home, or even jail.

Cloud Computing 2.0 : Mathematical Model

2008-07-14T19:16:00.000-07:00

Cloud Computing 2.0 takes everything you know about Cloud Computing, and multiplies it by 2.

The best way to understand this is to examine look at the fundamentals:

Cloud Computing 2.0 = Cloud Computing 1.0 * 2

CNET: Cloud 1.0 inspired by Karl Marx

2008-07-14T18:38:00.000-07:00

In a rare display of honesty, Stephen Shankland of CNET's Digital Media Blog admits that Cloud Computing 1.0 is primarly a tool for communists:

The trend has the potential to seriously redistribute wealth within the computing industry.

Cloud Computing 2.0, on the other hand, is committed to democracy and human rights.